Excelsior is a Latin adjective meaning "higher" or "loftier", used in English as an interjection with a poetic meaning of "ever upward".
Ad Astra is a Latin phrase meaning "thus you shall go to the stars" or just "To the Stars."
It has been a while since I made a round-up type of post. I'm making this one since I'm feeling once again that I'm in a cross-roads of my life or my destiny. This is also somewhat to sum up to completion the changing of years. This is because I've had a lot of new years like fiscal year, normal Gregorian calendar new year, chinese new year and the upcoming old new year of March. And although I've written a 2013 round up post entitled Carefree 2013, this involves or covers mostly more of my advocacy and work-life; it's just basically a sort-of reminder of how far I have come.
[The Last Crossroads event] (Reference to Avatar's Crossroads of Destiny ep.)
It was also a time when I wasn't totally myself which has led me to doing crazy stuff like doing free hugs in public. I was in shambles due to the events in Q2 of 2011, to make the long story short; a one-sided love story ended and add to that a first encounter of betrayal and the 1st Burned Bridge (I didn't burn the bridge myself, it was more of me watching it burn for my own good).
This was in January 15, 2012; a day I won't forget. This was when I conducted the 2nd Free Hugs Campaign during Sinulog Celebrations. I partied till dawn in Ayala Terraces through an event by Globe and danced under Fireworks and literal Fireworks song by Katy Perry. I was starstrucked by Georgina Wilson to the point that I completely failed to get a photo-Op with her. But we still shared the same floor and partied in the VIP area where socialites, media and bloggers were. I also met a girl, danced, gotten to know and then I realized, the world was so big and indeed t'was the first time I truly believe the quote: there are many fishies in the sea. And for the 1st time, I wanted to be better for myself. To become more than what I was, become a person I want to meet, spend time with, do crazy sh*t with. At that time, I was freelancing and running a start-up online services firm. It made me want to go for a normal job and get to develop myself further.
[The Girl that caught my eye]
It was sometime in October Q4 or was it November of 2011. It was in Talisay, Cebu a village that was a product of a well known NGO in the Philippines. We only shared a glimpse of each other but it was enough to ignite something in me. My sister was one of the facilitators for their group and I didn't want to bother them cause they had an exchange student-person and I did not prepare my english that day. We did not officially meet-per se, but I guess we were now acquaintances.
[Following the Heart]
Have you ever met a person, and that person had such a profound effect on you that you would search for that feeling and that you decide the only way to experience such a 'feeling' was to be close to that person? What will you do? How far will you go just to get to experience that 'feeling,' to get to know that person more, to be close, to be friends and eventually more that friends? What kind of feeling is this? Love, if so, is this how you fight for it?
And so I did, follow the desires of my heart. Aligning my new found confidence and goals from the 'crossroads event.' I pursued her, I researched the people she knows who I discovered to be mutual friends (a few); but that was not enough, so I decided to work for the same company she goes to. But of course, that is not the sole reason. I'm the type of person that must have at least more than 3 reasons or motivations to do something (But this was the anchor, the primary motivation -- to be close to that person [primary RTW - Reason to Work]).
For this case, I get to pursue the new goals I set during the last crossroads event. Get a normal Job. A job aligned to my course. To be in the same industry of my interest (Information Technology, though I'm an Industrial Engineer). And basically just to find a good company to develop myself in terms of skills, of meeting new people and a fairly competitive compensation.
[Often in our existences, we see our dreams come undone and our desires frustrated, but we must continue to dream, otherwise our soul dies.]
I never gave a thought to the possibility of failure. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. I did all the things I desired, I followed my heart; I got to experience things I never dreamed of doing. I was able to become her friend, to give her gifts, to spend time inside and outside of work. To watch a movie (fantasy, scary and some other stuff); Of snacks and dinner outs, of writing 23 Love Letters to mark a birth-date (Perhaps the only evidence to this one-sided love story were those love letters with remnants of my emotion) and many more! But free will had to kick in. Just as the universe conspired with my desires, it was as if the opposite happened this time--t'was like a contract end date had come, and on October 2013 I was suddenly crushed. Before I get to utter verbally what I truly felt, she spared me the effort by turning me down when I was about to say it, as if she read my mind or my heart.
At first I felt shocked, & numb but was clearly still acting on emotion. But what I did as a reaction was to give her something..a white rose. I guess my unconscious took on the brunt of blow, for my reaction was like: "you failed, but this time it was much clearer compared to last time.."
I had to contemplate what to do. Thoughts of quitting the Job that I pursued fiercely crossed my mind a lot. But then the twin-natural disasters struck on October-November (Bohol Earthquake and Typhoon Haiyan) and I was on relief operation mode. And I've already reflected on the topic of this 'matters of the heart' in the blogpost: In-Novo (=into the new; restore/renew-the) Heart.
[Fast Forward to NOW]
And so-post valentines, a work-friend just released the news of the that girl is now happy in the arms of another. Well that was unexpected, the news somewhat took my breath away. But surprisingly once again, my unconscious spared me of a normal reaction. "everything seems to fall into it's place, that guy met her criteria more than I did..now it makes sense.."
And so I found myself reflecting; my primary motivation is gone. I've pretty much gotten what I wanted in terms of my goals of getting a job that was in line with my course and desired industry. Should I be angry and hate this person for not caring for my well being at all? Now what?
[The ANSWERS] I somewhat found part of the answer #CountingBlessings
Reflecting on the year and a half that passed, I've probably gained more than I could ever imagine. I was just too distracted on pursuing a person that I could not really fully enjoy the moments of impact I was experiencing. But I am also lucky; for the blogger in me remains and my habit of documenting remains, which allowed me to rediscover my journey and see how far I've come.
|Meeting these Best People in the Best Place 2 be!|
|These tower, team, adopted, bay, and batch mates; childhood dreams with Jollibee, randome photo-ops, eating foods & many more!|
|Having the privilege to join and organize internal events for resource-engagement|
|Participated, donated in the Relief Operations @ old SHS campus in mango avenue through Gawad Kalinga|
|old program/project replication: Shoebox Christmas Tree project at work and delivery to Northern Cebu and Cebu City homeless people (see old post on Shoebox Caravan project to the south)|
|The opportunity to do training and facilitation of youth, resources, students and people!|
|and the occasional traveling, eat outs, night outs and many more!|
Although my purpose and objective are mostly fulfilled and that the original reason to work is no longer a worthwhile cause, I realized if not for this path, I would not have met all these wonderful people, these co-workers, co-non-work-workers, & friends; I would not have been able to go to these different places (restos, movie houses, islands, resorts..etc..) and I would not have been able to learn work and non-work related skills which I have come to enjoy as well!
Maybe, there are no big things happening yet, but there are plenty of small simple things to be grateful for and in the end, we somehow eventually find ways to co-exist.
As for my purpose and reason to work, I'll figure something out..I always do. Change is inevitable, people will come in and out but we are who we are, because of who we were --we are the sum of our experiences.
I'll probably travel, go on random adventures, continue trying to save the world, delving into social enterprise-start ups, public speaking, investments and develop myself somewhere in the middle of it all.
So for now, my journey continues, it will be 'ever upward, to the stars!'#StartingOver #MadaMadaDane